I’m a huge fan of Ellen Degeneres, her writings and her show, which I think has been probably the best viewing on national TV for some time now.
If there is one thing I’ve learned from watching Ellen and reading her books, it has to be that sense of humour and a positive attitude can make even the most difficult things easier to live through (if you can still have a laugh when friends lose $3m of your money, you can live through anything and also learn that money isn’t the most important thing to you, which is probably why it’s easier for you to make it)…and also that sarcasm is the most sophisticated form of wit.
Given my reputation for being a playboy and the fact that most of my platonic friends are women, it’s obvious that I am fairly comfortable around feminine company. And this social ease comes across to most other males as having swag or charisma.
For those guys unfamiliar with my lifestyle, this swag or charisma might be percieved by them as a threat if they have low self esteem and are insecure people.
Those that know me well enough, know that’s what I’m like by nature. So they know I’m actually the safest Bro to leave their girlfriends with. Predictably I spend a significant amount of time serving as watchman for said Bros in their absence. Yeah! The Bro Code yoz!
So in keeping with today’s Ellen theme, here is an honest sarcastic Ellen style reassurance to guys (Non-Bros) that feel threatened by my long standing pre-existing social relationship with their new love interests:
-START- [In my Barney Stinson voice]
Dude! It’s not a competition. Don’t feel insecure because I am better than you at stuff that matters in real life.
Jay Z is better than me at making money and Ellen Degeneres is no doubt funnier than I am but I don’t let that get me down.
So don’t let the fact that I am better than you at either or both those things get to you.
Heck you have two things that I don’t, a minor salaried position and mounting debt.
Whether or not I’ve had sex with her, I’ll let her tell you if we have and I’ll tell you if we haven’t.
Dude! Come on, seriously women can’t stay this close a friend with guys they’ve slept with so obviously I’m not interested.
Which is actually probably why she’s with you, cos she thinks I’m gay for rejecting her advances, which likely left her a little hurt and probably still a little vulnerable, so go get ‘er tiger. Rawr.
Unless of course she’s already told you then disregard what I’ve said about women not being able to be “this close a friend” with guys they’ve slept with, cos I’m such an awesome guy that she still wants me to be the God father of her kids as consolation for her not having mine.
Either way you have nothing to worry about cos I’ve Bro Zoned her so nothing is gonna happen, including anything that might have already happened that would be better if she was the one that told you because a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell, or bone and brag.
If you are still worried, then you are more insecure than I thought. In that case let me ease your mind by reassuring you by stating that I am gay.
Unless of course you are actually gay and using her as a beard without her knowledge, then you of course understand that I am not actually gay and would now have to proceed with kicking your ass to within 2 inches of death for using her like that.
Either way if you hurt her I will f*cking hunt you down and kill you in front of your mother in the name of national security and post-humously charge you with treason.
Haha! Relax I’m kidding… Except for that last part and the parts about being awesome and the bits about making more money and being funnier than you. 😛
P.S. If the dude isn’t laughing then he has seriously low self esteem issues and a clearly underdeveloped sense of humour. And should definitely watch more “The Ellen Degeneres Show” which should help with both of those things.