Ellen Taught Me: “How To Reassure An Insecure Male Person And Laugh At The Same Time”

I’m a huge fan of Ellen Degeneres, her writings and her show, which I think has been probably the best viewing on national TV for some time now.

If there is one thing I’ve learned from watching Ellen and reading her books, it has to be that sense of humour and a positive attitude can make even the most difficult things easier to live through (if you can still have a laugh when friends lose $3m of your money, you can live through anything and also learn that money isn’t the most important thing to you, which is probably why it’s easier for you to make it)…and also that sarcasm is the most sophisticated form of wit.

Given my reputation for being a playboy and the fact that most of my platonic friends are women, it’s obvious that I am fairly comfortable around feminine company. And this social ease comes across to most other males as having swag or charisma.

For those guys unfamiliar with my lifestyle, this swag or charisma might be percieved by them as a threat if they have low self esteem and are insecure people.

Those that know me well enough, know that’s what I’m like by nature. So they know I’m actually the safest Bro to leave their girlfriends with. Predictably I spend a significant amount of time serving as watchman for said Bros in their absence. Yeah! The Bro Code yoz!

So in keeping with today’s Ellen theme, here is an honest sarcastic Ellen style reassurance to guys (Non-Bros) that feel threatened by my long standing pre-existing social relationship with their new love interests:

-START- [In my Barney Stinson voice]

Dude! It’s not a competition. Don’t feel insecure because I am better than you at stuff that matters in real life.

Jay Z is better than me at making money and Ellen Degeneres is no doubt funnier than I am but I don’t let that get me down.

So don’t let the fact that I am better than you at either or both those things get to you.

Heck you have two things that I don’t, a minor salaried position and mounting debt.

Whether or not I’ve had sex with her, I’ll let her tell you if we have and I’ll tell you if we haven’t.

Dude! Come on, seriously women can’t stay this close a friend with guys they’ve slept with so obviously I’m not interested.

Which is actually probably why she’s with you, cos she thinks I’m gay for rejecting her advances, which likely left her a little hurt and probably still a little vulnerable, so go get ‘er tiger. Rawr.

Unless of course she’s already told you then disregard what I’ve said about women not being able to be “this close a friend” with guys they’ve slept with, cos I’m such an awesome guy that she still wants me to be the God father of her kids as consolation for her not having mine.

Either way you have nothing to worry about cos I’ve Bro Zoned her so nothing is gonna happen, including anything that might have already happened that would be better if she was the one that told you because a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell, or bone and brag.

If you are still worried, then you are more insecure than I thought. In that case let me ease your mind by reassuring you by stating that I am gay.

Unless of course you are actually gay and using her as a beard without her knowledge, then you of course understand that I am not actually gay and would now have to proceed with kicking your ass to within 2 inches of death for using her like that.

Either way if you hurt her I will f*cking hunt you down and kill you in front of your mother in the name of national security and post-humously charge you with treason.

Haha! Relax I’m kidding… Except for that last part and the parts about being awesome and the bits about making more money and being funnier than you. 😛


P.S. If the dude isn’t laughing then he has seriously low self esteem issues and a clearly underdeveloped sense of humour. And should definitely watch more “The Ellen Degeneres Show” which should help with both of those things.


Reality Check: “The Self Created Plight Of The Financially Non-Literate”

Yes, have fun now.

Later when you can’t afford to pay for your kids’ education because you haven’t saved enough money or are living beyond your means just like you are already doing before you get married, apply for financial aid from MENDAKI, SINDA, CDAC and/or CDC.

Please continue to complain about the high cost of living as you spend over half your salaries on vehicles, luxuries and entertainment instead of saving it and being financially responsible aspiring parents.

It’s okay because there will always be volunteers and social workers like us there to help because we feel sorry for the kids of people like you. People like you make our contributions relevant so ironically the less you listen to us now, the more you stand to gain from us later.

So yes, please do look down on us for taking public transport and saving our money, and paying for everything in cash because we don’t use credit cards to pay for anything.

Laugh at us because our kids won’t have to apply for financial assistance for their education.

Don’t worry because aside from common sense and financial literacy, God blessed us with a sense of humour too.

It’s not how much people make, it’s how much they spend and save that determine the sustainability of their lifestyle and the stability of their family development and retirement planning.

The difference between us is that your kind refers to it as “disposable income”, while our kind refers to it as “investable savings”.

Community Pride & Volunteerism: “Who is Malay? When? Wow!”

“Who is Malay? When? Wow!”

Who are the Malays?

People that are born Malay according to their NRIC?

People that feel part of the Malay community despite their NRIC saying otherwise?

When are they Malay?

When it is convenient? There’s free education and subsidies from MCYS Special Malay Bursary, but only if they are Malay according to their NRIC.

When they want help? There are self help groups like MENDAKI and AMP.

When they want to help? There are also volunteer opportunities at MENDAKI and AMP.

When they feel wanted? The Malay community being an embracing community readily takes them in regardless of what the National Registry says about their ethnicity.

When they feel rejected by their own non-Malay community, or seek refuge from prejudicial caste systems, the Malay community awaits the ethnic refugees with open arms.

In our hearts collectively, community pride is strong. Being Malay is 24/7 and 365. Our sense of community identity goes beyond registry statistics. It is a state of mind, a state of heart and a state of spirit.

When one chooses to be Malay, one choose to be part of the community and gives to it regardless of what one may get or has received from it.

The volunteerism rate is extremely high in the Malay/Muslim community, over 60% according to Mendaki statistics, have engaged voluntary service.

Most MENDAKI Club (MClub) volunteers are young professionals that have never received aid from MENDAKI, almost half are non-Malay according to their NRIC, but they give because they choose to be Malay and want to see the community improve.

An increasing number of student beneficiaries from MClub’s Young Minds’ Club (YMC) and Talent Development Programme (TDP), are coming back to serve the community after graduating from the programmes even during their National Service, pre-university and undergraduate years.

Some of them say the reason they give back is because they were inspired by mentors they met during their time in YMC or TDP.

Some say the reason they serve is because they’ve seen how much needs to be done on the ground, and they want to do what they can to help.

Some say they give back because they’ve received help and feel a sense of obligation to repay the community.

However regardless of what they say their reason is, one thing can be said for all of them, they love the community enough to do something about it.

They devote their time and physical, intellectual, emotional and financial resources to actions that move the community, hopefully forward, upward and united.

Even though their contributions are often overlooked and unappreciated by the organisations they contribute through. They still continue to serve, because the volunteer community is a family within a community, and we support each other even when the organisations forget the plot.

MatSpeak: “Eastern Standard Time”

“Eastern Standard Time” is an imported colloquial term referencing the propensity for tardiness amongst people residing in the Eastern side of Singapore.

The term was imported from the Timezone references of the North American Seaboard used in Hollywood movies.

The most common use of the phrase in daily Mat conversation is as a sarcastic tongue in cheek response to the question of why someone is late, as illustrated in the sample conversation below, English translation in brackets.

Mat A: Eh! Mana siak Fazli? Janji 2pm, ni dah pukul berapa ni? Masih belum sampai. (Hey! Where’s Fazli? He’s late for our 2pm appointment.)

Mat B: Standard…Members tinggal PaRis, Eastern Standard Time lah tu. Hahaha! (Same as usual…Dude stays in Pasir Ris, lives on Eastern Standard Time. *chuckles*)

What MENDAKI Really Stands For…and Where Does MENDAKI Club fit?

Hi All,

As most of us know MENDAKI is an acronym for a Malay name, seemingly forgotten (even by BH journos, the horror!).

Actually Kak Ram from VRD told me about it before but I forgot. ;P

Well I chanced upon this site http://www.country-data.com/cgi-bin/query/r-11811.html

The section on Malays in Singapore from the url presents some interesting information. Including of all things the proper full form Malay name for MENDAKI.

Are you ready for it?….MENDAKI really stands for…

“Mendaki, an acronym for Majlis Pendidikan Anak-anak Islam (Council for the Education of Muslim Children)”

Apparently folks back then either had a fairly liberal stance on phonetic abbreviation or were linguistic geniuses that could decipher that the “END” in “mENDaki” comes from “Pendidikan”…oh! wait they probably deduced that from the English translation of the name that usually accompanied abbreviation in the English media up till 1990.

In case you are wondering, yes the original charter does say “Malay-Muslim” not “Malay/Muslim”. The change to the latter only happened in 1988. The year when Malays were for the first time not awarded places in university for meeting the minimum qualifying requirements for the courses (see article url Malay students must vie for place in NUS ). And shortly after the time when university tuition fees for Malays was no longer automatically fully subsidised 100%.

So technically there was no minimum quota on Malays in university courses at the time. Of course at the time finding Malays that met the minimum qualifying requirements was a challenge in itself. However the removal of this provision coincided with an increase of Malays meeting the qualifying mark (still trying to locate that ST article).

Could this move be seen as “Malays being seen as meeting the mark and not really needing the help anymore” or “a control measure to limit financial commitments to much increased subsidy of Malay university education”…well given that Mendaki was still awarding university scholarships at the time, this is one question that’s still up in the air.

The attached article also shows PSLE performance by Malay students from 1986 & 1987, in the Mendaki tuition scheme. Apparently the stereotypical assumption of maths and science abilities of Malays, probably held more water back then than they do today.

All in, the relevance of MENDAKI Club today it seems could be a result of a delayed reaction to community needs from a quarter century ago, for a newly marginalized segment of the community, the “almostgrads”.

What would the situation be like in another quarter century?

Mendaki was a community education foundation when it started. What is it today?

Where does MClub fit into the picture today? Where would it fit into the picture in another quarter century?

Melayu Makan Melayu in the Media.

Well Malay production companies are known for being kedekut with pay for talents and taking advantage of Malay business owners for shooting location.

Two years back a Malay production company used my old office for shooting location and didn’t pay for it…instead they offered to put the name of the company in the credits…my boss was chinchai so just said ok…name in the credits got no value to us cos none of our terget market watches that kind of show.

From what the producer told me Suria was buying each episode at $35k from them, but they were paying the 8 main cast members in total less than $1.5k (for all 8, not per person) in salary for each episode. After including their equipment, production team monthly salary, production company office rental and post production cost, the total expenditure for that series was about $7-8k per episode. They shot all 13 episodes in two months.

On the other hand Channel 8 vendors get paid more per episode, but their cost is also higher and they pay for all location rentals. For 1 of the serials they paid $5k per day to use one of my client’s apartments for shooting lasting for 2 weeks. In total they spent over 10% of their budgets on getting good locations, and 20-30% on talents.

How much do Malay production companies spend on location rental for premises?

The Chinese production houses know the production value of paying their talents and location landlords well, it gets them better quality and better image. The star appeal only exists if the audience knows that stars are worth the money. How much money is important.

Advertisers & sponsors will only pay big money if you can give them stars with big time star appeal.

By underpaying the Malay artistes, they are devaluing the production value, and by being stingy on locations they make the shots look cheap.

It’s not like they cannot afford it, 10% of $35k is $3.5k and 20% is $7k per episode. Don’t tell me they cannot get decent locations and upcoming Malay talent with that budget. I know for a fact that those same locations that Channel 8 vendors use for office n home shots are just as willing to let them use their offices or homes for $200-500 per day for shooting…and we are talking about CBD offices and condos not HDB flats…surely within 10% of the $35k per episode selling price.

Big companies like Courts and Giant are definitely interested in the Malay audience market, but there are very few Malay production houses that have the sense to pay their artistes well enough to give the star appeal to attract those big ticket advertisers and sponsors.

In short with this “Melayu makan Melayu” attitude they are being penny wise but pound foolish, missing the big picture and the big money.

Karma, what goes around comes around. Reward your talents and you will be rewarded.

From The Archives: Matspeak: “Malay Boys Inside Jokes: Minah Makes Part 2”

The second post that made it official that Matspeak was here to stay. First posted on 1 December 2009.


*Disclaimer: Warning contains possibly offensive content. Do not read if you are offended by stereotypical cultural references to Minahs, Cars or People in general.

Since the last edition we’ve created and spotted some new models. Here they are. Enjoy.

Created by Din & Eemz:

“Model T” a.k.a. “Model T Soft Top” – Pun playing on direct reference to the vintage classic ‘Ford Model T Roadster’, the ‘T’ refers to ‘Tudung’ the Malay word for ‘Hijab’ or headscarf worn by some Malay Girls. The Model T refers to minahs that wear the headscarf “full-time”.

“Convertible” – Pun playing on the Convertible cars with tops that can be raised or opened. Convertible refers to minahs that wear the headscarf “part-time”, like only at certain times or places like certain events and occasions, while not wearing during normal daily routine.

“Cabriolet” – Pun playing on the sporty Cabriolets that always have the tops down. Cabriolet refers to minahs that never wear the headscarf when in public, except for during prayers when they wear the full cover.

Spotted in Army Reservist:

“Tonner” a.k.a. “5 Tonner” a.k.a. “3 Tonner” – Pun playing on reference to the Army Trucks refered to by military personnel as “Tonners” in reference to their cargo loading tonnage capacity. Tonner is used in reference to hefty looking minahs or minahs that appear to have excess cargo hanging out on the mid section.